I’ve always loved a SMART goal. Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Reasonable and Time-Bound. Even before I knew they were SMART goals, I was setting them left and right. I decided at age 4 that I would go to Yale for college, and I did. I decided in high school I would make varsity crew my freshman year, and I did. All growing up I wanted to be a lawyer, and that’s what I did. Pretty much everything I set my mind to, I did.
I barely even thought twice about it, that was just my plan.
Apparently, life had other plans for me. Perhaps you can relate?
The stress started around age 26. I figured out that if I hadn’t met the right guy, how was I going to be married by 27? I did the math on how long I would need to be with someone to know they were the right person. Then I kept changing the math— maybe I only needed 9 months to know? Or 6, I could probably figure it out in 6 months… I also tried to imagine a life with the guys that clearly wanted that with me, even when I didn’t feel the same. And I really tried to impress and please the guys that clearly didn’t want that, when I felt like omg we can make this work (spoiler alert: I was really attracted to the wrong guys!).
I had already started feeling the clock ticking, but I was also hesitant to spend the money when I could meet the guy tomorrow and get going on the original plan, albeit delayed. Again, I kept doing math in my head, trying to figure it out.
I pretty much didn’t stop researching eggs and doing the math and trying to figure it out for nearly a decade— not constantly, but each time I felt hopeless and powerless. I lived in limbo. Each day felt like another step further from my dream instead of closer to it. Each date felt like it would either save me from this nightmare or waste my time. I had relationships that came and went, and each break up sent me into a spiral of never getting to have kids, and mourning the life I thought I would have.
Alongside of this constant stressor, I was also digging into some really deep inner work. I was in therapy. I was diving into yoga and meditation. I was working with (and being trained as) a coach. I was understanding more and more who I was, what my patterns were and what I truly wanted in life. I was breaking down and rebuilding over and over again, in the best possible way.
Then in 2016 I was struggling with ending the hardest relationship of my adult life. I found a spiritual therapist who helped me work with the paralyzing fear, shame and anxiety that I’d had since a very traumatic childhood. He gently guided me away from using only my mind (which had clearly served me well in some areas, but had kept me stuck in this area), and into using my heart and spiritual support team to find clarity, peace and trust. Within six months I had started a side hustle with Beautycounter, ended that relationship, purged my entire house, got a corporate job running a mindfulness business for a law firm in Los Angeles, packed up my entire life, moved, and found a doctor to freeze my eggs (which would be paid for by that side hustle, since during all of this I had gotten down to $75 in my bank account).
And voila! I went through 3 rounds of freezing eggs. I took time away from trying to date, in order to rewire my brain, fall in love with myself and confront demons from my past and worst case scenarios for the future. I danced freely. I felt whole. I started to trust my path without the need for proof. I stopped calculating time and started enjoying my life as it was. I began to flow with the plan the universe had for me, instead of being mad that the plan I made as a child was not coming true. And just before starting my third round of egg freezing, at 38 years old, I met the man who is now my husband.
