OMG, I hate to admit this. Like, I really hate to admit this. But if I’m being honest (and well, why not at this point), I was dating to find my baby’s dad. Sometimes this was more conscious (actually asking myself after a date how “ready” they seemed to be) and most of the time it was quite unconscious.
It actually took me a while to see. Or maybe, it took me a while to see the problem with this. After all, I was dating to find a life partner and ultimately to start a family— why not evaluate that hard from the get-go?
The problem was that I was about 27 steps ahead of where I was with someone. Which meant I wasn’t present, I was (probably) putting off a weird vibe, and dating became a high-pressure test. Oh, and it wasn’t working. I think I also had to realize that something in my approach was not attractive. Even if I thought I was good at hiding the part of me that was desperate to get going with marriage and babies, I actually wasn’t. It’s a lot for a potential partner to absorb.
So how did I work with the biological pressure I felt in my body, so that I wouldn’t drop that same pressure into a third date?
First, I had to realize I was doing it! Awareness is one of those amazing things that once you have it, it offers the opportunity to change the thing of which you’re aware.
Second, I had to reframe dating. Was there any other reason to date? Anything else that could defuse the whole “find a mate” thing? For me, I am genuinely curious about people… so I started to lean into learning more about my community. I am also one that get overly focused and forget about having fun… so I also started leaning into having fun. Ultimately I landed on looking for my two favorite outcomes from a date: either a good time, or a good story. This truly helped the ridiculously awful dates have purpose too. And boy do I have some good stories now!
Third, I had to gently talk to myself about it. Before a date, sometimes on a date, and, if it was a good date, then certainly after a date. I reminded myself to take things slowly and to be present. I reminded myself that establishing and enjoying a connection was the only thing that matters to begin. And, if my mind ran significantly into the future, I reminded myself over and over that I didn’t know this person yet and that I was still evaluating who they were and whether they were worthy of the gift of my heart.
And finally, I did my inner work. I did the self-healing work along side all of this, which allowed me to more naturally come from a place of ease. I explored old patterns of dating, I examined my triggers and fears and hopes and dreams. And I healed the wounded parts of me that were looking for someone or something to fix me. (And what a trick that last one was— when the only thing I needed to fix was the idea that I needed fixing at all.)
If you think you might be doing the same thing as I was, give some of this a try. The worse case is you have a better experience of dating… and that’s something we can all appreciate!
And if you’re having trouble ditching the fear that’s amping up this focus on finding a dad, try my course. While it’s a course about making the decision to freeze, a major focus is on clearing the fear and emotions that can cloud and confuse us. We tackle facing fear head on. Click here to find out more.
