Talk about a weight on my shoulders. Whether I would be able to have children or not has constantly weighed on me. For me, this is the ultimate uncertainty. And with each passing birthday it got exponentially worse. This fear would overpower me on a regular basis. And the most challenging part of this fear is that it wasn’t so definitive that I could let go of having kids (and since it’s a fear and not a fact, I knew I didn’t need to let it go). Instead it was always accompanied by enough hope that this fear could torment and wrench my insides. It played on the uncertainty. And sometimes I wondered whether certainty in either direction would be better than this fear.
You might not have the same level of fear I had, or maybe yours is worse. But if you’re on this site I’m wagering there is some amount of fear weighing on you. You’re not alone. Uncertainty is hard. And uncertainty and fear around our fertility is (I think) one of the hardest uncertainties to feel.
So, without access to certainty, how do we manage?
Stop focusing on the outcome (or feared outcome or imagined outcome) and start focusing on the experience you are having right now. How is this fear working for you? Is it helping anything? Is it making you miserable?
If you’re not enjoying this fear (and seriously, call me if you are— I’d love to learn how!), then it’s time to look to how to have a better experience right now. (Note I didn’t say a better outcome, nor did I say it’s time to have certainty— those can’t be solutions because they don’t exist right now).
Here are some ways to shift your current experience:
- Acknowledge that you don’t have full control over your fertility. That’s just a fact. Perfectly healthy 25 year olds struggle to conceive, while moderately healthy 45 years olds get pregnant with ease. There is an element to all of this that is not in your hands. Let go of that part.
- Research and commit to ways to boost and improve your fertility through lifestyle changes. This might include:
- Nutritional support
- Clean eating
- Clean products (see my favorite things!)
- Supplements
- Acupuncture
- Visualization/Belief work
- Look into freezing your eggs (with or without the support of my course) as a way to freeze time on your fertility
- Decide to trust that you will be a mother, in exactly the way you were meant to be. Lean into this faith and let it comfort you.
- Weigh whether it’s time to pursue motherhood, even on your own. If it is for you, go for it. If it isn’t for you, let that provide some peace and clarity that now is not the time for you.
- Gift yourself with a period of time you won’t worry about it until. If you hit that time and the fear returns, gift yourself with another period of time. I’m suggesting months, but if that’s too hard, go for weeks at a time. Just give yourself a break.
- Dive into my course for ways to work with and manage fear (you didn’t think it was just about making a decision, did you? It’s ultimately about finding peace and clearing out fear so that you can make a decision!)
All of these need to become a practice. Trying it once might give you a short break, but committing to any of these can give you a greater sense of peace as you stay hopeful that your path to motherhood is coming… and if you need additional support with any of this, my course is not just about making the decision to freeze eggs… it’s about connecting to your heart and clearing your mind. Head over here to take a deeper dive into finding some peace on your fertility journey.
